The most ridiculous 5-a-side match report ever written
When over half the team dropped out in the few hours prior to kick off and with a tough fixture against top of the table “5 Clowns”, the task ahead for the Blue Hive 5-a-side team seemed as daunting as when King Leonidas and the brave 300 started their march towards Thermopylae to defend their Spartan shores.
Six had bailed. A handful stayed. Only one looked back - Adam Burrows (we needed to borrow his boots).
The stats were stacked against us. The 5 Clowns had scored 43 goals in 3 games, conceding just 7. They had a 100% win record and fancy boots. Captain Misha was not phased though.
“Hivers! Ready your lucozade and drink hearty” he bellowed “For tonight, we dine in hell!”
The game got off to a typically rousing start, with the Hivers going 2-1 up after a low pile driver from Lee “Stelios” Beetles and a beautifully placed curler from Blue Hive’s last minute transfer success, Ben “Daxos” Dodwell .
5 Clowns – we put their name to the test.
Yet this was no ordinary opposition. One of their players had scored over 212 goals in his Top Corner Financial League football career alone.
We battled on and further goals from Tom “Dilios” Gibby and Owen “Artemis” Nanlohy ensued. By half time the score was 4-3. The hivers were standing valiantly against their overpaid opponents.
Just before the start of the second half, reinforcements arrived in the form of Nadine, Charlotte, Michela and a half smoked packet of Marlboro lights.
Nadine shouted over to Misha “Captain, any message…?” “For the Confrey” asked the captain? Nadine nodded. Misha removed the groin support from beneath his shorts and pressed it into her hand. “None that need to be spoken” he replied.
The half time break and arrival of Blue Hive FC fans gave the Hivers the much needed motivational boost they required to flex their gluteal muscles and keep battling.
The second half kicked off and the 5 Clowns threw everything they had at us. Wave after wave of attacks ensued. Saves were made. Nails were broken. Yet the hivers were rewarded when Lee Beetles netted another goal and Tom Gibby was horrifically maimed on the edge of the area. With just over 5 minutes left on the clock and the score 5-4 the Hivers knew this was their opportunity to gain a much needed 2 goal cushion.
Tom Gibby stood up to the plate. His hair was too long, it narrowed his vision. And he had to see far. His shorts were too tight. They threw him off balance. And his target was far away. With military precision the ball was guided into the bottom left corner. The Hivers had the much needed cushion they had been looking for.
5 Clowns … they fail our captain’s test. And a team who fancied themselves the Top Corner title felt a very blue chill crawl up their spine.
With just minutes left on the clock, the 5 Clowns seeped forward. Misha “Leonidas” Mantel put up a heroic effort saving shot after shot, but it was not enough to stop the enemy bagging 2 more goals. The score was tied.
With seconds left on the clock, Bill “Astinos” Pellett’s attacking efforts were rewarded after a beautifully crafted one two was finished in style.
The ref blew for final time.
“This is bollocks” the 5 Clowns yelled!
Misha looked up, blood dripping from his broken hands that had been battered for 40 minutes straight. No, he replied. This. IS. BLUE HIVE!!!
Bold Misha Mantel and the brave 6, so far from home (1.4 miles to be precise) had triumphed.